The First Post...It's a Long One...

Good morning!





I got the inspiration to start this blog from watching the movie "Julie and Julia". Have you seen it? It's a cute movie, and one of the main storylines in it is about a woman named Julie Powell who decides to work her way through Julia Child's cookbook and blog about her experiences. As I was watching the movie, it dawned on me that maybe I could start a blog about my experiences with ROCD --- Relationship - Substantiated Obessive Compulsive Disorder. I'm a huge fan of blogs --- I check out a number of fashion blogs on a daily basis. They can be so inspirational. My hope for my blog is that I can be someone other people can relate to in their own struggles with OCD. I hope to be of some support, as I know how scary and alone a person with OCD can feel. As for what I get out of it, personally? I guess I'm thinking of this blog as a journal, somewhere where I can open up fully about what I'm going through and try to make some sense out of the craziness that is always going on inside of my head.







I guess I will start off with my back story. I'm not sure when my OCD began exactly. I always thought it started in October 2005, at the age of 28. My therapist says it's rare for someone to develop OCD in their late 20s. From the time I was a little girl, I used to have terrible thoughts of family dying in plane crashes. I used to have terrible thoughts towards my mother, even thoughts that I wanted her to die. All these thoughts made me feel deeply guilty and made me feel like a horrible, evil person. I have also picked my lip and skin on other parts of my body since I was a child. After reading about OCD and visiting forums about OCD where others talk about their experiences, I realize that the thoughts I had from childhood and my skin-picking may have been symptomatic of OCD. My therapist seems to think so, as well.







In September of 2005, I met my husband (he wants me to identify him as Colt Steele in this blog, but I think I will just identify him as R.) The first six weeks of our relationship was perfect. He was everything I was looking for --- funny, sweet, considerate, interesting, warm, loving. We had a lot in common. The only thing that was off between us was the physical chemistry. I had just come off a relationship where we were pretty incompatible in most ways except physically, and prior to that I was in love with a man who was completely wrong for me but I had loved deeply and with who the chemistry was out of this world. I was definitely worried about the lack of chemistry I felt with R. but I always thought that it would just happen later on.







I remember pretty clearly when the onset of the ROCD happened for me. It was in October of 2005 and I was at his house watching tv. We had just eaten dinner and we were on his couch watching tv, holding hands. All of a sudden, a voice went off inside my head, yelling "It's not right! It's not right!" and this intense, burning sensation flooded my stomach. I actually threw up, the feeling was so strong. I didn't know what the feeling was. I thought maybe I was suffering from food poisoning or something. My husband finally identified the feeling as anxiety. From the moment the anxiety hit me, I became obsessive about about my sexual chemistry with R. When I say "obsessive", I mean that all my thoughts about our chemistry were intrusive, unwanted, and caused me anxiety. I began the need for certainty that we had chemistry, so I began sking him questions like "What do you feel when I kiss you? What do you feel when I touch you?", etc. I would discover later that asking questions like these would be one of my compulsions, designed to neutralize the anxiety I was experiencing about our sex life. I was pretty confused that night, not knowing what the hell was going on inside me. I was fraught with all kinds of anxiety.







That weekend, I was on the internet constantly, googling about chemistry. I wanted to know how you know you have chemistry with someone and how important chemistry is in a relationship. Sometimes I would read something on the Net that would make me feel better --- reassure me --- only to read something else that would cause me anxiety all over again. I couldn't make the anxiety go away, no matter what I did. Inside my head, I would ask myself "do we have chemistry?" to see if I would get an answer that would give me some reasurrance. I never really got and it made my anxiety stronger. When Monday rolled around, I felt like we needed to break up. I felt like it wasn't right between us. I was trying to act as normally around him as I could, but inside I was crying. I didn't really want to let him go, but I thought that if it didn't feel right and we didn't have any chemistry, that I had no other choice. Breaking up was just another compulsion, but I didn't realize it at the time. I stayed the night at his place --- I wanted one last night with him befoer I had to say goodbye forever (remembering all this right now still makes me teary!). The next morning I got home early and went right to the Internet to look for more answers. I started googling certain phrases that were running through my head and I came across a site that would basically change my life forever.

On the site, people were discussing their ROCD. Their stories sounded so similar to mine --- slightly different content, but basically the same thing as what I was going through. From this site, I was able to find out about two discussion forums where people with all kinds of OCD talk about what they are going through. I posted my story on one of these forums and people on there seemed to agree that what I was suffering from was in fact OCD. I found out about a great article an OCD specialist, Dr. Phillipson, wrote about ROCD, and it gave me great solace to know that perhaps there was something else at play besides just the possibility that I might not be in a good relationship. I saw a psychiatrist in June of the following year, and he diagnosed me officially with OCD.

Since I developed the ROCD, I went through a lot of obsessions about my relationship with R. I obsessed about chemistry, I obsessed about whether he was funny or interesting enough for me --- I even obsessed about whether he was a racist. One theme I struggled with is whether or not I was in love with him, a theme that I still struggle with from time to time. The anxiety was so overpowering that I ended the relationship twice in the first 4 months of our relationship. But I never could stay away from him. What always drew me back to him was my love for him. Goodness knows why he took me back. I guess I'm just lucky.

Relationship Substantiated OCD, according to Dr. Phillipson, is characterized by "...the inability to clearly discern the emotional rationale for remaining in a relationship, despite the absence of a clear justification." The ROCD sufferer needs to feel certain that the relationship is right in order to continue their relationship. For some sufferers, the right relationship as they perceive it to be is one where they feel love or in love. For others, it's one where they find their partner to be funny or interesting. For others still, like myself, it's one where there is sexual chemistry. A person with ROCD searches long and hard for this feeling of rightness. Without the right feelings for their partners, the sufferer experiences anxiety. Through engaging in compulsive behaviors, they may find that feeling and the "proof" that the relationship is right, chasing the anxiety. But this never lasts long. They will inevitably find themselves once again, in a state of anxiety, searching again for the right feelings.

A few compulsions I have engaged in are:

- To kiss him repeatedly hoping for the kiss to feel right

-Initiating sex with him hoping to feel aroused (and prove we had chemistry)

- Searching on the Internet to find out how important chemistry or being in love is to a relationship

- Asking myself if we have chemistry or if I was in love with him

- Making statements to myself that I have or haven't chemistry with him to see if my feelings would follow

- Shaking my head to get rid of a thought I didn't like.

I'm sure there are more, but these are the most prominent ones. I don't do all of them anymore, but I definitely still have the need to neutralize my anxiety.

Not alot is known about ROCD. Aside from Dr. Phillipson's article, "I Think It Moved" in which he devotes an entire section of it, you won't find too much information about it. It is not a classic OCD, where the compulsions are physical and easily observable. ROCD is a subtype of Pure Obsessional OCD, where both the obsessions and the compulsions are mental. It's one that even some OCD specialists struggle to diagnose as OCD. I think this is because the obsessions ROCD sufferers endure can very well be mistaken for real relationship issues. I have seen therapists in the past who have tried to give me relationship counselling, which just created more confusion inside me about what I'm going through. I now see a therapist who treats my thoughts as they should be treated --- as OCD.

What I'm doing at the present moment to beat my OCD is taking supplements and using mindfulness and acceptance. I'm taking L-Tryptophan, which is a supplement that increases seretonin production in the brain, something that OCD sufferers lack. Before that I took a medication called Cipralex which does the same thing L-Tryptophan does, and it did wonders for me. In fact I never would have gotten married if I hadn't taken the Cipralex. As far as therapy goes, at the foundation of any kind of therapy for OCD, regardles of what kind of OCD it is, is accepting the thoughts and anxiety. People who have OCD resist the thoughts they have and try to neutralize their anxiety because of the discomfort they feel ( as well as the fact that the thoughts are foreign to their true nature, what is referred to as ego-dystonic) In order to get better, I must always allow the thoughts and the anxiety to be there. But more than that, I am being mindful of the thoughts and the anxiety --- observing them, watching them, but never engaging with them. This helps me dissociate myself from my mind and allows me to see them for what they are --- repetitive noise that is not worth getting upset over.

Different people have different ways of overcoming their OCD, and sufferers have strong opinions about the best technique. On this blog, I will post links to information about different types of therapy you can use. In my humble opinion, no two people respond to a technique in the same way. At the end of the day, if you have found a technique you feel is helping, don't let anyone tell you that it's not the proper way to beat your ocd. Every technique has validity.

So for now, supplements, mindfulness and acceptance are the ways to go, for me. Here is what I'm trying to do:

- when I get a thought, observe it. Try not to react emotionally to it. Try not to let it define who I am. Already, in doing this, I have gotten a sense for the way my thoughts work in patterns and how repetitive my thoughts are. I basically have the same 2 or 3 themes running through my head all day, and the thoughts are always some variation of the themes. Observing the thought works alot of the time, but sometimes I struggle with it. I worry I'm not really observing the thought, I worry that I'm doing this to neutralize my anxiety. I struggle with being perfect at it.

- Observe my anxiety. Notice that its there, notice its purpose (which is to get me to run far away from the relationshiop, because my mind sees it as a dangerous situation). Again, try not to let it define me.

I have gained the perspective that my ROCD tries to distract me from what my real fear is --- that I will lose my husband. Through all the doubting over the years, all the breakups, all the near breakups, the one thing that has never changed is my desire to be with my husband. I have always WANTED to be with my husband, though my mind tries to tell me we SHOULDN'T be together. Although my ocd tries to make it seem like my fears about chemistry and all the other things I worry about are my primary fears, in reality, what I'm really scared about is being without him. Unfortunately, that knowledge doesn't always help me. I do let the OCD sweep me away, distract me. It's very powerful. It takes vigilance to manage it. I probably will always have OCD, but I hope to get to a point where I can manage my symptoms and enjoy my life with my husband, who is a really wonderful person and the love of my life.

I think that's probably enough writing for now. I will have lots more to share with you over the next while, like more information about OCd, how my recovery is going, and how I'm coping. I know this blog will come off as negative at times, but I'm trying to be as honest as I can with you about what I go through. Maybe others will see themselves in me and we can support each other. I welcome all comments.

One thing I won't do, though, is offer any kind of reassurance to people that their obsessions are or aren't true. Reassurance is what keeps OCD alive. My goal is to be able to live with the thoughts that I have, regardless of whether or not they are true, and choose to live in a positive, productive way. And really, that should be the goal of any OCD sufferer.

Have a great day, everyone, and thanks for reading.

Cyber