Good morning,
So last night after I finished blogging, I really gave in to my obsessions. I was still feeling a combination of jealousy and anxiety of my friend and her husband's sex life and I couldn't get any perspective on these feelings. I was feeling lots of bad feelings towards my husband, and all in all, I wasn't being the impartial spectator I told myself I would be where my mind is concerned. This morning I woke up, feeling down. I still had all the repetitive thoughts that I always do, but I didn't let all of them get to me. Actually, for awhile this morning, I felt some optimism that I could just jump back on the wagon and keep going with my therapy. But on the train to work I was in my head and I couldn't see how all these thoughts and emotions were just thoughts and emotions. I felt like they were reality. I walked into work this morning on the verge of tears. I feel like giving up. Realistically, I haven't been doing this therapy for long, and I'm bound to stumble a lot in the beginning. But how do I let what happened yesterday --- how real my thoughts and feelings felt --- and continue on today? How do I seperate myself from my mind? I think I'm going to order that book I was telling you all about the other day, "The Happiness Trap". I wonder if it would help me.
I have a body scrub scheduled for today, so maybe that will relax me. I don't feel like I'm on the verge of tears anymore. My coworkers and I were talking around my desk and laughing, and I think that helped me feel a little better. I'm pretty sure this turnaround from feeling optimistic about getting over my ocd to feeling despair that I never will is in my head. Nothing in surroundings has been disturbed, and my relationship is still intact. The only thing that changed is my state of mind. And I know this, objectively. But I'm so attached to my thoughts that they never seem just like thoughts. They feel representative of reality.
Clearly, I have a lot of work to do. I will embrace today as a new day and make the best of it. Hope your Monday is going well so far. Talk to you all soon.
Cyber
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I see you haven't posted in a while, but I wanted to thank you for posting this, it's helped me a good amount, four years after you posted it.
ReplyDeleteHey, I would love to connect. We are dealing with very similar situations. I can't find your email but feel free to email me at mallorylthomas@gmail.com!!
ReplyDeleteYou Will probably not se this since its been 9 years since you wrote this. I just want to say that what you have written Helps me so much and makes me feel less alone with my own struggles. Thank you.
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